Wander 9: Archaeological Dig

Two years ago I went on a Vision Fast. Andy and I did it as a couple, after 5 months apart. Our preparation time and debrief was together, and in the middle we spent 3 days solo in the wilderness, leaving a cow bone on a pile each day to let the other know we were still okay. Traditionally participants meet at the stone pile (our bone pile was a variation) and walk out together. But our guides had “forgotten” this instruction and so we each found our own way back to the entry portal that morning, drummed in by our hosts. I came in a little sooner, and as I was making my way across the meadow to base came, I encountered a very large bull. I had not eaten for 4 days and was feeling very weak under the weight of my pack. There were one or two creek crossings I needed to make in the meadow. I could not muster the strength to walk very far to look for an alternate crossing. So I breathed and slowly but determinedly walked past. According to our guides, who looked on from a distance, I was sniffed and determined to be okay as this beast pawed at the ground.

The bull had no horns, and my naiveté led me to this boldness. When you are on this kind of quest (and perhaps always) everything has meaning—like a dream. I had met many other beings during this week on the land, but this encounter—on the return—has perhaps remained the most mysterious to me. 

This hornless bull showed up on this return journey. Arriving here in Moab, one month ago, I spotted some bull horns in a field next to a friend’s house. The horns had already been well loved by my friend’s dogs, but I asked if I could have them and she obliged.

Sitting here with them now I am reminded of walking out of my fast, spiritually stronger, back to nourishment, friends, waking life. I feel that this year has been a bit of a fast for many of us, in collective and individual ways, depriving us in one way, and offering spiritual food and awakening to new realities on another. I feel I have returned home and now almost 11 months into motherhood, feel I have a greater sense of my own capacity having endured more tests.

Back to these horns. Wandering is all about embodying. Taking our very trained cognitive way of processing our experience into our bodies. I see myself fashioning a headdress with these horns, perhaps inspired by my viking and singing roots. For me in them there is something here about fierceness—restoring anger to its productive home in this time of crumbling reality.

This is a long way to go to offer the invitation/inspiration to you Dear One, which might look something like this.

While you are engaged in your regular activities, keep your heart open to a gift that sparks something in you—you don’t need to know what it is exactly. Or perhaps take an intentional walk asking for a totem that might inspire in you a quality you want to uncover more in yourself—groundedness, compassion, freedom, serenity, warriorness, joy. Or perhaps you have already been given this gift. Create something you could wear, or hold, or offer back in a new form to the environment that generously bestowed it. In any case, engage your body with it, engage your intention for it, and then let the experience flow. Put on music if it helps. Drum or rattle something if that helps (a rattle can just be some beans in a jar if you don’t have one). Create an experience with the object you created becomes an extension of yourself, or an in-tension of yourself—where you can surrender to letting your body and surroundings lead the way. You might think of this process as an archaeological. First, letting Nature unearth something for you, so you might unearth something of yourself.

Note on the blog. I am still finding new feet with this project now that I am in a new place and rhythm. I am curious about how it will inevitably evolve, in this space and time. I welcome and encourage interaction with the blog, as my intention with this project was to provide a space of shared connection. Thank you for reading.

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